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running in circles

do i like the person who i am?
can i live with that person who i used to be?
this was a very spontaneous thought right now. i was looking at some pictures that were taken of me. some of them are a few years old now (i think the oldest one was of 2003 or so).
in 2003 when i finished grammar school, i was very shy i think and under the constant watch of my exboyfriend. i also felt very "philosopher-like" and romantic and always lost in thoughts. at that time i loved him very deeply and he said the same of me and a few weeks later we were apart and i moved house to freising to start studying.
all that - how i felt and who i thought who i was - i realized - had depended on this guy. he told me who i was for him (i was his wonderful elf, his godess, his damnation - did i told you he was french? =P) and i acted like it. it is amazing how one person can determine your life...

fun fact: here is a picture of my graduation:

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and this was a few weeks later: moving in and very happy after living in a ruin for a month. i can handle tools, btw^^ if you need my skills - let me know!

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then i met my beloved and i felt like re-born. you won't get any pictures of that because i was a fatty then. i gained about 6 kilos weight and looked inflated like a balloon.


so, when i came back to start studying english i changed somehow. for the first time i did what i really wanted. the years before i was always doing what other people wanted or expected me to do. this was one constant in my life. and i felt well. since then i can sometimes see that special kind of look in my face - it looks all peaceful and quiet. and most of the time i don't like that look. it makes me feel like i am boring and not interesting and not interested in anything. it sometimes makes me look sad although i am not at all. it was 2004, when i started to wear black (most of the time, but you all saw me in bright colours, though!)

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my parents often say that i was happier a few years before than i am now. and when i think about it, i don't know why they think so. every one laughs less when they grow up. my happiness shows itself not neccessarily by laughing out loud or giggling, but more in sarcastic remarks and wit. they often say "don't make a face like that!" or "what's up again now?!" when i think about nothing special at all. this is what i meant about that peaceful look. the thing is, that they blame my beloved one for that which makes me really going mad. they saw once how i got changed by a guy and now fear that this could happen again.

i lost it. but for the moment i want you to show something:

this is how you see me:

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and this is how i see myself:

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it is amazing how different these sides can be...
22.8.07 21:04
 



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